Today I attempted to go bikini shopping. I knew that it wouldn't be easy. What I didn't know was that it was going to be so hard. I mean, I know that my body isn't in the best shape, but that's what I'm working on. That's the whole point of this. I didn't expect to find one today of course. I honestly didn't know what to expect.
My husband and I went to Target and while he went to Electronics section, I went to the swimwear section. There was a huge selection of different bathing suits, many different styles and flashy colors. While nice, those weren't the things I was looking for. All I wanted was something that would cover me up enough and still be considered a bikini.
As I was browsing, I thought of a couple things. What makes a bikini, a bikini? Is it only a bikini when it's a two piece? Is it dependent on the amount of skin shown? And then I thought, Why do I want this? Can I really do this? Is this out of my league? Why did I even make this my goal? I mean, what's so special about a stupid bikini anyway?
Man, I really set myself up...
I began trying on different ones. I kinda knew what I wanted in a bathing suit. I don't like the idea of string bikinis, that's definitely not my style. I want to be able to run and play with my kids in it. I also don't like the idea that the bikini I wore dictated how much I ate when I wore it, (ie: I drink water and I look bloated.) I'm looking for comfort. The problem is, I don't know how to be comfortable when I know I'll be so exposed.
The first piece I looked for was bottoms. I knew I wanted something along the lines of boy shorts. I found them easily enough. They were these cute black and white striped shorts with draw strings on the sides and on the hem. When I tried them on, they were snug enough that they looked like actual bathing suit bottoms rather than shorts that I was wearing as a bathing suit. I grabbed a medium even though I knew it would be too small. My coach said that I should buy the bathing suit in the size that I want to be by summer. A medium sounded good to me. It was realistic and attainable.
Next was the top. And this is where my insecurity kicked in. I'm a chesty girl. When I was younger, I developed into a full C. After I had my kids, I went up to a DD. I've always been top heavy. It's a pain when it comes to shirt shopping. Loose, draped shirts that weren't fitted around my waist automatically made me look like I was 6-7 months pregnant. Add on the fact that I was husky... No bueno. Now that I've lost weight, I'm not as big but I still need support. However here's the problem I've noticed with bikini tops. They're made for women with perky C cups or smaller. What about D cupped women who were no longer perky after babies and nature had their way with them? Sure I found some cute tops with an under wire in them, but even if I grabbed a large or extra large, it wouldn't provide the coverage and support I knew I needed. I ended up trying one on and didn't even make it to tying it. Immediately, I was like, HELL NO! It barely covered what I needed covered and the ties that went around my neck and back... *pffffffft* forget it.
I put my clothes back on and went back out and hung up the bathing suit and texted my coach. I was sad. After all the progress I'd made, I was faced with the reality of that though my body looked a lot better than what it used to... It didn't mean I could wear a bikini. My coach talked to me and asked me a hard question that needed answering.
Why do I want this goal? I answered this before but in the face of something so gigantically scary, I'd forgotten why. So I'm going to answer this again here.
I want to be able to wear a bikini because it means that I worked hard and struggled to get the body that I never thought was achievable. It would mean that I am proud of my body and that I am victorious.
I didn't think that something as simple as bikini shopping would be as emotionally draining, but it is. And it's something that I have to work on. It's an obstacle that I have to overcome. I've accomplished so much in the year and a half I've been on this road to being more fit. I didn't start this for anyone but me. So I will think of it in the same way: This isn't for anyone else but me. What other people think of me doesn't matter. They're not the ones that have to live with this body. I am. So I might as well make it the best and be happy with it.
I don't know how long it will take me to find the perfect bathing suit, but three months is a long time. So the search continues...
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